This is just too precious: Pope Benedict XVI is about to release a handbook to distinguish genuine divine apparitions from fake ones. You see, the Church has counted 295 apparitions of the Virgin Mary between 1905 and 1995, but only 11 of these are considered "genuine." Funny, I would have ventured to say that they are all bogus, but clearly I'm not the Pope.

Benedict thinks that one can tell the difference between real and fake apparitions "with utmost rigour," and his new guidelines call for a series of steps to curtail false claims that might divert some faithful away from the Church and into (other) cults. Here are the steps that will be taken according to the Vatican's version of CSI (actually the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith):

To begin with, the Church will tell the alleged witnesses to simply shut up. If they don't comply, this will be taken as evidence that their claims are false. If you don't follow the logic, don't worry, it gets worse.

Next, the Vatican will call in some psychiatrists -- interestingly, either Catholic or atheists (what about Muslim or Jewish ones?) -- to certify that the visionaries are not nuts or hallucinating. (Good luck.)

Then the Church task force will consider the subject's education. You see, if they are too educated they may have had access to reports of previous apparitions, which would have given them the know-how for effective fakery. This essentially eliminates anyone with a computer that can do google or wiki searches.

If the alleged visionary has successfully passed the preliminary tests, then he or she will be questioned by, I kid you not, demonologists and exorcists -- just to make sure that the apparition is divine, and not a dirty trick perpetrated by good old Satan. The implication, of course, is that a relatively well educated person like the Pope actually believes in the literal existence of an actively plotting Satan. Oh boy.

Just in case you were wondering, by the way, today is not April 1st, and the above material is not taken from the Onion.