This is Matt Joyce’s notice to the DHS that they are fired.
Dear Dept of Homeland Security (and associated agencies),
As a citizen of the United States, I am entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And you as a federally funded arm of … something… you are charged with the protection of all that is America ( or so I assume from the name ). In the past, we’ve had our moments of contention. For instance, there was that time you stopped the lawyer, the preacher, and myself at the airport and subjected us to extra “security”. Or the time you added me to a watch list because my ID expired. And then there was the time you blogged about how matt joyce’s MP3 player specifically is not allowed on any airplane ever. And I didn’t even complain when you added my (at the time) infant cousin to the terrorist watch list. I suppose we can laugh about all that now, since I’m not sitting in a cage somewhere near a cigar plantation. Ha ha. I do want you to know, however that I appreciate the hard work in spite of our disagreements. I’ve had the time to engage in some pretty lengthy conversations with TSA agents as they dug through my bags and swabbed them for their machines to bloople and bleeple over. It’s tough getting up early every morning and making that long drive to the airport. It’s tough to have to put up with a million angry people every day who secretly pray that you are taken away in the night and disappeared like an Iranian reformist. I get it, and that’s why I am as nice as I can possibly be to you guys whenever I happen to be under your oppressive scrutiny. And I’m not just saying that. Most people are nice to you because they are scared of missing their flight… or worse. Me, I just feel bad for you guys. Your uniforms are worse than the ones they wear at McDonald’s establishments, and your jobs are way less fulfilling than that of the noble fry vat jockey. So when I say what I am about to say, please realize it’s not personal. I care about you guys. And this is difficult to say knowing it may hurt your feelings. But, I’d really like to opt out of your protection. Your services are no longer required.
Now, I know what you are thinking… and it probably involves several talking heads on the television reporting fearsome terrorists, uncertain futures, and doubt in our safety. And, I readily admit that there are some folks out there in the world that are angry, insane, and just plain cruel enough to try to kill me. I am not saying I am for that… personally I don’t like seeing anyone get hurt. Not my cup of tea, especially not if it’s me. I’m perfectly happy fulfilling my intense enjoyment of loud noises and big explosions with fireworks and video games. And as an American I am lucky enough to be able to pursue that passion safely and legally. But, lets talk about the elephant in the room… or rather the one that isn’t there, terrorists. In fact the odds of a terrorist showing up in my room, or an airport for that matter on the same day I am there is so mind bogglingly low, I’d be happier if you guys were all employed fixing pot holes in NYC streets. I am way more likely to be killed by a pot hole than I am by a terrorist. And while that alone is a big reason for me to say I don’t need you, well it’s not the main reason. Primarily, I just don’t like what you guys are doing to my country. In fact, I am pretty much disgusted by it. And, as I said before… I get it, you guys are having a tough time of it. And I know that your intentions were truly honorable. I respect your efforts and even find myself awed by your selflessness. But, I’ve tried to be tolerant and accepting of our differences, and I just don’t want to be any more. I think it’s time you and I went separate ways. We’re just not getting along. And it’s no ones fault really. You are scared of terrorists, and I get that. Some folks are scared of water and the number thirteen, for you it’s terrorists. Me personally I’ve got a pretty nasty fear of bees. And, lets be honest a grown man running from a bee is way more absurd than 20 guys hanging out in an airport in silly uniforms harassing people all day every day for nearly a decade on the off chance that one of them might be a terrorist. But, in the end we’re both acting pretty foolish.
So, I release you from your charge. I no longer want, or require your services. I would like to opt-out. I want to fly on airplanes with no TSA security checkpoints. I want to get on trains without bag searches. I don’t want to hand over my ID to every jackass with a plastic badge. I want to just live life to it’s fullest and not have to deal with your mental health issues. And, I think we can do that. Let’s get you a new airport. One with big beefy concrete walls, and lots of millimeter wave technologies and UAVs up the wazoo. Hell let’s get you guys some awesome uniforms with some crazy gas masks and like night vision and stuff. I mean you’d look like freaking space commandos. I’m in. Let’s do that. You guys can go guard your fortified airports and super secure air planes. And me, I’ll stick with regular old delta. Crappy peanuts, half a can of soda, and a 400 lb who is literally spewing sweat like he’s old faithful. We can both be happy here. Let’s talk to our senators and congressmen. Let’s talk to all our elected representatives and let’s make the case to get you guys the help you need, and at the same time bring normalcy back to the american way of life for the rest of america. Hell you guys have earned it.
So, I guess what I am saying is… this isn’t the end of the world guys. This is just the beginning of a new opportunity for you. And, if you could please pack your stuff up quietly and get the fuck out of my airports and off of my streets without saying anything I’d really appreciate it. Thanks. Bye. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. And don’t worry about needing a guest pass we got rid of those because they are a fucking stupid waste of time, money and trees.
Sincerely,
US Citizen Matt Joyce
Brooklyn, NY